Halloween success

Yesterday was Halloween.  The girls had a party at their preschool, including a performance for parents at 2pm, followed by a party and trick-or-treating at Grandma’s (my mother’s) house.  The girls had a great day!  Their performance at school was adorable, and very well attended.  It was incredibly crowded with parents all smooshed into the infant room to see the show.  My girls did a great job singing their Halloween and Autumn songs.  I did a great job making small talk with other parents, sitting in a crowded room of strangers, smiling, and not having a hint of a panic attack!  Our success continued at the family Halloween party, where the girls, despite a massive amount of sugar and very little real food throughout the day, played nicely with their cousins, said “Thank you” at every house we trick-or-treated, and were super adorable superheroes.  I also played nicely with my cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces, siblings, and mom!  Everyone had a good time and I did not have to leave the party early in order to escape the craziness that a large family and lots of children and opinions will create.

I do not know why I seem to be in a lull for anxiety, but I am glad that I am.  I’ve been working very hard with my therapist on connecting the logical side of my brain to the emotional side.  Mainly the idea is to get the logical part of me to be able to pull the reins in on the part of me that panics over things that aren’t necessarily panic-provoking to most people.  I don’t know if it’s the exercise that I’ve been doing (Thank you Fitbit for motivating me!), the EMDR that my therapist and I have been doing, or just a natural ebb of anxiety.  I don’t know if the rising tide of the anxiety and depression will drown me in the future, but I am thankful for how I’m feeling right now. Today I feel confident that I can go to work and interact with people pleasantly and have a great time. That makes me feel so good about myself. It’s small, but it feels great!

Living life in fear

So, as I mentioned in my last post, some crazy person sent in a “credible threat” to schools in my area, threatening to behead elementary school children.  As a result, my anxiety and agoraphobia have started to spiral out of control.  Yesterday, I spent the entire day locked in my house with my two year old and my four year old instead of sending them to school.  Anyone who has done that before knows that it’s not good for one’s sanity.  I was so scared that I didn’t even open a window.

Today, I had to leave the house to go to my weekly therapy session.  It wasn’t until mid-morning and we get up early around here, plus we were running out of staples like bread, milk, juice, and junk food, so I figured the girls and I would run to Target in the morning before I dropped them at my mom’s house and went to therapy.  Only….while showering, I started picturing all of the horrible things that could happen if I took my girls out in public.  Mass shootings.  Hostage situations.  So, we just went to my mother’s and I went to therapy.  While there, we discussed my big anxieties and decided to move to Plan B (as we’ve been calling it).  So, next week I will start EMDR again.  Honestly, it freaks me out.  I’ve done it exactly once and started out thinking it was silly.  My therapist waving her fingers in front of my face, having me think about things that bother me.  But, then, something actually happened.  My mind equated the powerlessness of the psychiatric ward with an earlier trauma.  It was painful and hard, but it actually did move me toward not feeling as trapped by my diagnosis and my time in the hospital.  But, now I need to do it again, and I am worried about what else it will bring up for me.  Either way, the idea is that while I’m home with the girls, I should try taking small steps to leave the house, so none of us are trapped here.

After therapy, I brought them to the supermarket.  I was so anxious and terrified.  I imagined every person we passed as a threat.  Well, except the little old lady who couldn’t reach the canned tomatoes.  After we checked out, I practically ran to my car, loaded the girls and the bags of groceries, and slammed the lock button.  By the time we got home, I needed to run to the bathroom and throw up before I could put away the groceries.

I can not wait for a time when I can grocery shop, or go to the library, or the playground, or my kids’ school, without these kinds of reactions.

The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire!

The roof on my 70-ish year old house was torn off today. It turns out that it had the original wooden shingles and subsequent owners had just layered shingles on top! Four layers! Wow! Plus all the slats under all of those shingles needed to be replaced with plywood! I had my kids out of the house at 7am. We were able to come home at 7pm, when they wrapped it up for the night. What was supposed to be a 6 hour job took 12 hours, and they’ll be back tomorrow morning by 8am! 8. A. M. Argh!

My wife and I have a system. We are both up early M-F, her to go to work outside of the house and me to take care of the girls. So, Saturday is supposed to be my sleep-in day and Sunday is supposed to be her sleep-in day. But now I need to be up, showered, breakfasted and have the girls ready to go by 8 am. On My freaking sleep-in day.

To add to that, we live on a short side street off of a major road that intersects with another major road about a block away. They have torn up all of the sidewalks to widen the intersection. They are doing all of that work at night! Beeping, lights flashing, trucks driving, road being torn. ALL. FREAKING. NIGHT.

One of my major triggers for my anxiety and panic attacks is when I’m not getting enough sleep. And I am flipping exhausted. Between the road work, sick kids, the roof, and my worries, I haven’t slept well in a week at least. I have been a mess for about 2 days. I’m thinking of checking into a hotel by myself for a night just to get a little shut-eye. Of course, in reality, I’d be in a constant state of worry if I did that by myself, but it’s still a little fantasy I like to have.

The good girl’s drug

Food. It is the drug of choice of rule-following women and girls. It is definitely my drug of choice. Food and prescription drugs. If I have a prescription for them, it can’t be wrong to take them, right? It isn’t as immediately dangerous as developing alcoholism or a drug addiction. Women don’t get arrested buying onion bagels with extra cream cheese at Dunkin’ Donuts. I’m not snorting, shooting, or smoking anything. I’m just eating. Which, in theory, is a good thing. Eat to live, and all that. But, sometimes when the anxiety gets a hold of me, I think if I can just get to those Nacho Cheese Doritos, dip them in sour cream, and slam them down my gullet, it’ll all calm down. When I’ve had a hell of a day at home with the kids, I think onion dip (made from the Lipton packet) coating vegetables and pretzels and potato chips and crackers, and, let’s face it, whatever is in the pantry, will make it all better. I mean, if pressed, I’d probably eat it with a spoon. So I get fatter. I feel worse because I’m getting fatter, so I eat to feel better. It’s a cycle, but not one of those ones I’m supposed to be pedaling after I drop L at Pre-K.

Frozen

Today is Frozen on Ice. I have two daughters, ages 4 and 2, so this is a big deal. Elsa and Anna, man! So, what did I do to prepare for such an EVENT? I woke up with my anxiety raging, of course. I tried to wash it away in a long, hot shower. I then collapsed into my bed, naked because the wrong clothing can act like a cheese grater to my exposed nerves. There I stayed for an embarrassingly long time, until my wife forced me out of bed to come downstairs and watch football. It is Sunday, after all. So, my mom will be taking my ticket to Frozen on Ice today. She’ll watch their excited faces, listen to them sing “Do You Wanna Build a Snowman?” and “Let it Go”. She’ll watch them stuff themselves with sno-cones and popcorn and cotton candy. She’ll help them select a souvenir. I’ll stay here, chained to my couch by my inability to rise to the occasion, by something misfiring in my brain, by my increasing agoraphobia. I know in the grand scheme of things, this one isn’t enormous. I didn’t go to a Disney on Ice show. So what? It’s not like I’m skipping Pre-K graduation, C’s first Little League game, or L’s first dance recital. But I worry that I will.