Today, I spent most of the day worrying that I’ve been misdiagnosed. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and major depressive disorder (MDD) during my short time in the hospital. Lately, though, I’ve been thinking that they screwed up. That I’m more screwed up. You see, I hear this voice. Not “voices”, but a single, angry voice in my head yelling at me when I feel super stressed or I can’t sleep. It’s not my voice. It is an angry, male, deep, loud voice. It’s not like I have conversations with the voice. I just try to block it out as best I can and move on. It’s something I’ve just lived with, so I’ve never considered it a “symptom”, per se.
I’ve begun to notice other things. A feeling of being somehow separate from reality. Confusion, memory problems, not being entirely sure if something happened or if I just thought it did. Worry that things are not real, like my life is all just something I’m imagining. The other night, cuddling with my 2 year old, I had the strangest feeling that it wasn’t really happening at all. That she wasn’t real, that I’d never birthed her, although I vividly remember the screaming, the pain, the “ring of fire”, and her beautiful face when it was over.
So, now I’m worried that I’m a paranoid schizophrenic. That would suck much worse than GAD and MDD. I will absolutely be discussing it with my therapist tomorrow. I was supposed to do EMDR again tomorrow. I hope that I haven’t created this all in my head to avoid that experience again. So, spiraling a bit over here. People are noticing I’m being different again. I hope that this resolves fairly quickly.
Mommy Went Crazy 